The Emotional Journey

On this page I'll touch on the emotional affects Gender Identity Disorder and transition has had on me.

The emotional journey of a trans person is by far the hardest part, or at least it was for me. It usually begins during childhood. Often other children realize we are different before we ourselves do.

Often our first source of related discomfort comes when other children taunt and tease us for being different. I personally was teased because I acted so much like a boy. I did not understand why they thought that. In my mind I was acting normal. As years went by the taunting and teasing only got worse. My parents also noticed from a young age that I was different. For example I would spend my time playing with hot wheels and trucks with my brother instead of playing with female orientated toys with my sister.

Also world war ll would begin all over again when I was forced to wear feminine clothes. My mother would send me to school in and dress and I'd either ditch school all together or take a change of clothes. Only after a conversation with my mom later in life did I discovered she thought it was my way of acting out and being difficult.

I personally did not consciously come to the realization I was a man till my early 20's. Even after I came to that realization I was not ready to accept it. I spent more time in denial before I as finally at a point I could be "Ok" with it. I remember thinking "I'll be damned if I am one of those freaks!" many times before finally coming to terms with and accepting it. The real struggle began when I did finally accept it. When acceptance comes, actions must follow. Fear immediately became an emotion I felt on a regular basis. What will my family think? How will people treat me? What will people think?

These are questions that haunted me constantly. I came to the conclusion that I could not continue living a lie. I could not continue trying to be someone I was not. I made the decision that people in my life did not have to agree with it, but they must accept it. If they could not then I did not need or want them in my life!! Only then did the thoughts turn to actions. I began to take steps to appear more masculine soon after. The first thing to go for me was the long hair. The more masculine appearing I became, the happier and more confident I got. It was an awesome evolution, emotionally.

Before my appearance fully represented a man I found being out In public was difficult. People shouted obscenities at me on a regular basis it seemed. A few times people even got physically aggressive. At the beginning of the process my world revolved around being trans. Looking more masculine and trying to convince myself and even other people how much more masculine I was becoming. As if they did not know!! Ha Ha!!

Once a person begins down this road it's a growing and learning process. We do not just instantly change from (example) an adult woman into an adult man. We start out again as a child. Having an adult developed brain gives us more advanced ways of learning therefore we are able to catch up on socialization and maturity pretty quick lucky for us!!

I have been "out" to family and living full time as a man for several years now. However most people I have contact with in real life are not told unless it's a " need to know " situation. The world in general has been a much easier place to live in overall. My confidence and self-esteem are fully developed at last!!

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