Mental Illness

One thing I have yet to find being discussed within the trans community is mental illness. Part of that may be a result of the limited number of trans sites I look to for information, but it almost feels like a taboo or forbidden subject within the community. In a way I can understand why this could be the case, given the strict criteria involved when going through counseling to get the letter needed for hormones and surgery. However I don't think it is one of those topics better left untalked about. I am making the decision to make some degree of my own personal struggles with mental illness known in hopes that someday, somewhere, somebody will hear my story and find the courage to end their silent suffering before it is too late. Please note that I have chosen not to disclose some information related to the exact age of onset, specific symptoms, course of treatment and the severity of the impairments that have resulted. I have made this decision because it's something that still leaves me feeling very uncomfortable and vulnerable to verbal attacks and criticism.

My childhood was filled with the chaos that comes with being a member of a severely dysfunctional family. I experienced a great deal of physical, sexual and emotional abuse between the age of 3 and 11. I was removed by child services at age 11 and did not make it back to my family until I was 17. I went back to my family after those 6 years because I was scared and didn't know what else to do. I was able to graduate high school and begin my life as an adult shortly after.

I do not believe the issues I have had with my gender have anything to do with my childhood experiences or mental illness although I realize those experiences have affected my life in many other ways. I have had issues with low self esteem which I blame partly on the childhood abuse, partly on the self doubt that comes with schizophrenia, and partly on the extreme guilt that had plagued me my whole life surrounding the gender issues .

I Believed for a long time that I was a sick perverted freak because I thought, behaved and even looked like a guy. I went to extremes to try and hide these characteristics. Grew my hair out, got married and had a child, and even surrounded myself with women hoping to learn these feminine behaviors by watching how they did things.

Many of my family members believed and lived the faith of the old school pentecostal religion. They lived by the laws of the old testament and I was constantly reminded that I had a lot to be ashamed of.

My whole life I have been unable to comfortably interact with my peers whether they were male or female. I believe this is because I felt like some kind of sick freak so it's been more comfortable remaining a loner. Going out to the bars, movies or out to eat didn't cause me much stress and I actually enjoyed it most of the time, so long as I went alone.

My confidence did however start creeping up when I finally became willing to explore the male feelings I had in depth and learned I was not the only person suffering with the issue. In fact thousands of people also suffered from this and it actually had been given the name Gender Dysphoria or in some cases Gender identity disorder.

Looking back now I know there was a lot more to things then than I realized, but I am unable to say whether it feels like it was more of an environmental factor or some type of chemical imbalance or unknown intoxication. I do know that despite dealing with extreme confusion and frustration I was able to succeed at most of the goals I set for myself. I credit the ability to complete those goals to a self discipline system I have had in place since I was a child. A system I now realize was created, fueled, motivated and encouraged by symptoms of Schizophrenia.

I attended counseling bi-weekly to help cope with the stress and isolation that resulted from the gender identify and other issues revolving around anxiety and fear. When we both decided I was ready to move forward with my transition she referred me to a counselor who was qualified to make the official assessment.

By the time of my first appointment with the gender counselor I had been living and identifying as a male for for quite a while. Close to a year and a half I believe. Most people believed me to be a teenage boy. I was cleared for hormones at the first session and agreed to follow up with her for a total of three more sessions over the next two months in order to get the letter Ok'ing me for surgery.

I continued the sessions with my private counselor while being seen by the gender counselor and found it to be a great resource because I was really nervous and the "what ifs" were driving me nuts. Literally, I think. All went well though, and after my remaining 3 sessions I was awarded the letter clearing me for any future surgeries.

Over the next few years life went really smooth other then the occasional patches of extreme confusion and fear. Even though I had remained pre-op I was genuinely confident and proud of who I was for the first time in my life and it showed in everything I did. I was convinced nothing could ever take that sense of self away from me, that was until early to mid 2006.

I had ended up in the hospital for emergency surgery on two different occasions, then I was readmitted a 3rd time for complications. All this happened in a six month period and it really had me stressed out. A few months after the third hospitalization I started having symptoms of a whole different nature. The symptoms I will refer to as hallucinations and delusions.

In reality there was a period of many many years where I remember the hallucinations being there but at the time I was unable to identify them as hallucinations and I lashed out at anyone who claimed they were. It felt like a direct attack on my character and I didn't tollerate it well at all. I remember hearing talk about me being diagnosed with Schizophrenia as early as 11 years old but I never believed it to be true. There were also a few times prior to transition where I was hospitalized for this problem. In my mind this was the worlds attempt to prevent me from reaching my goals and I refused to let that happen. I was determined so I rebelled and kept pushing forward.

Only when the problem got to a point of constant fear did I consider the fact that it was possible people were being honest. Maybe they weren't making those claims to attempt to sabotage my transition. After all, I had already started HRT and received my letter from a counselor, there was nothing left for them to sabotage in regard to my transition.

The symptoms remained constant and I decided I needed to talk to a doctor about it, so after talking to my counselor I made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

After several months of visits with the psychiatrist he diagnosed me with Paranoid Schizophrenia . I was devastated and it seems at that very moment my life ended. Over the years there had been many people claim I suffered from it but I just couldn't believe it or understand why they would believe that themselves. Still have a problem understanding why people think this a lot of times and I definitely still have a hard time accepting this diagnosis myself.

As if the symptoms that come with such an illness aren't hard enough to deal with I had to learn how to cope with the stigmas and stereotypes attached to the diagnosis. I had to learn to cope with the instant changes in the way friends treated me when they learned about the diagnosis and it wasn't easy. It's been a while since the diagnosis was made and my physical and mental health have deteriorated a lot.

Not long after the official diagnosis I cut off contact with most of my remaining friends, all of my family, then I moved to the opposite side of the state and resorted to a life of solitude which is where I have remained. I am grateful this illness hit me hardest when it did because it very well could have robbed me of the opportunity to transition.

I have overcome many things in my life and I am sure I will continue to do so, but I must admit my fear is great and my courage is little at this point in my life. It has been a very very hard past couple years, I have no idea how I have pulled through. This illness has been something that has affected me since a young age and I have neglected it for years and in many ways I still do to this day.

It's not something I want to accept and I tend to spend a great deal of time trying to find valid reasons to discredit the diagnosis and prove why it's just not possible.. But in the end that only serves to delay my recovery.

I spend my days and nights alone, plagues by confusion fear, guilt and shame. Overwhelmed with symptoms that make me feel like scum of the earth and seemingly no way to escape them other than to give into a medication that leaves me feeling like a zombie while only making certain symptoms go away and neglecting the others. The most common tasks aren't so simple anymore. Several years ago self neglect for me was forgetting to eat lunch.. Now it's not uncommon for me to forget to eat for a couple days, or forget to shower for days. My memory and concentration have been destroyed. I lack the motivation and hunger for life that I once had and most days I'm lucky to spend more then 15 minutes out of bed.

My whole point in disclosing these personal details is to make a point. We are men and women, and we are no different than the rest of the men and women in the world. We are susceptible to the same physical and mental conditions the rest of the world are are.

We are not super humans with super strengths. Please don't feel that you are expected to be. Doing so can rob you of the years of happiness you've worked so hard to achieve and maintain. If my situation isn't proof enough of that, nothing is.

Laura's playground and online suicide prevention site is a great site to visit during times of crisis to get help and support to get through the times when suicide appears to be the only option. The site has online chat where you'll be able to talk to someone about the issues affecting you so deeply as well as message boards to discuss the many issues that affect trans identified people on a daily basis.

Laura's Playground Chat Room and Online Suicide Prevention Help

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